Bass Pro Shop Sale

Thought this one was too good to discard.  Thanks for the forward, Mike Hermsen:

RECEIVED AN ADVERTISING STUFFER IN THE MAIL SATURDAY FOR A BIG SALE ON AMMUNITION AT BASS PRO SHOP.  

So today, I went over to the the local Bass Pro Shop here in Bolingbrok to load up on some favored hunting rounds.  When I was ready to pay for the bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."  Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and hollaring finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader!!!

I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer.

I still don't think I looked that bad.

Exactly!

Post by 101.3 The Brew.

Air Traffic Control

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Tower:  "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles  ......."
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital  watches!"

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"TWA 2341,  for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
"Center, we are  at 35,000 feet . How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir,  have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a  727?"

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O'Hare Approach  Control to a 747:
"United 329 heavy, your traffic is a  Fokker, one o'clock , three miles, Eastbound."
United 239:  "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the  little Fokker in  sight."

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A DC-10 had  come in a little fast and thus had an exceedingly long roll  out after touching down.
San Jose       Tower  Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at  the end of the runway, if you are able.  If  you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101,  make a right at the lights and return to the  airport."
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A Pan Am 727  flight waiting for start clearance in   Munich    overheard the  following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our  start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an  answer you must speak in English.
Lufthansa (in English):  "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in    Germany    . Why  must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in  a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody  war."

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One day the  pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of  the active runway while a DC-8 landed.
The DC-8 landed,  rolled out turned around, and taxied back past the  Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got  on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make  it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let  the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out  of DC-8 parts.
Another landing like yours and I'll have  enough parts for another  one."

==========================

While taxiing  at   London 's Gatwick Airport , the  crew of a US Air flight  departing for Ft.Lauderdale made a wrong turn  and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female  ATC ground controller lashed out at the    US    Air crew,  screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?  I  told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned  right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for  you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it  right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she  was now shouting hysterically:
"God! Now you've screwed  everything up!  It'll take forever to sort this out! You  stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!
You can  expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and  I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell  you, and how tell you! You got that, US Air  2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew  responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications  frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of  US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground  controller in her current state of mind.

 Tension in every  cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running  high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and  keyed his microphone, again in a beautiful British accent,  asking, "Wasn't  I married to you once?" 

about Handy Household Hints

Remove pet hair from furniture and carpets with a squeegee.



Water  straight from the tap becomes cloudy when frozen. To make ice cubes crystal clear, allow a kettle of boiled water to cool slightly and use this to fill your ice cube trays.



Add half a teaspoon of baking soda to the water when hard-boiling eggs to make the shells incredibly easy to peel off.



WD40 can be used to remove crayon marks from any surface!

Use chalk to remove grease stains from clothes. Simply rub white chalk on the affected area and wash as normal - the chalk will absorb the grease and be washed away in the cycle.

Lucky Pigs and Other Important Stuff To Know

" The Lucky Pig " 

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee 
(Hardly seems worth it.) 
 
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. 
(Now that's more like it!) 
 
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. 
(O..M.G.!) 
 
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. 
(O.M.G.!!!) Is that why they are always squealing? 
 
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy) 
(I'm still not over the pig.) 
 
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. 
(Don't try this at home; maybe at work.) 
 
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. 
(Honey, I'm home . What the...?) 
 
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. 
(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?) 
 
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. 
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?) 

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. 
(I still can't believe that pig ...quality over quantity.) 

Butterflies taste with their feet. 
(Something I always wanted to know.) 

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. 
(Hmmmmmm.......) 

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. 
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?) 

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. 
(Okay, so that would be a good thing.) 

A cat's urine glows under a black light. 
(I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.) 

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. 
(I know some people like that.) 

Starfish have no brains. 
(I know some people like that, too.) 
 
Polar bears are left-handed. 
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.) 
 
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. 
(What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)